Friday, January 28, 2011

Be still and know.

I have completed the first day of District 1 Honor Choir today. We have had the most amazing director this weekend, Dr.Lynne Gakle.(She was my All-State clinician my freshman year-this is the woman who inspired me to pursue Music Education in college and as a profession.) Once again, she and the music changed me. We are singing a piece called Psalm 23.(the words are straight from the scripture.) She began to tell the background story of this scripture, and then she made it personal. "If King David could write all this, If he could recognize such hope while hiding for his life, you  can and will make it through your troubles, be it drama,relationships,parents,school,the future, or anything else. God will be your Shepherd, he is mine. Let Him be yours."
I have never been so emotionally touched with a song before, but as we sang this song again, I sat in my pew and cried while finishing the song, for the lyrics combined with the angelic,melodious sound moved me so greatly. It was truly a moment that God ordained to pull me through, as if seeming to wrap me in His arms like the Loving,Tender,and Compassionate Shepherd and Leader that He is. 
At that moment, the song and scripture became so personal.

The Lord is my Shepherd,
(God is the Leader,director, and helper of my life;)
I shall not want.
(I have all i need.)
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
(He calls and brings me to the better places he has created for me and He will grant me rest.)
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
(He will allow the quiet and calm to make my life more serene.)
He restoreth my soul.
(He restores my life and makes me new and compete again.)
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name sake.
(Because He knows the plans and paths He has for me, He will lead me down them, because He is good.)
Yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
(Though life is tough an sometimes seems hopeless and bleak,)
I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.
(I will not be afraid because God is holding my life in his safe hands.)
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
(Though your correction and ways you lead me i may not understand, I find peace in your promise of hope.)
Thou preparest a table before me, in the presence of my enemies.
(You grant me well being,even in the midst of trouble.)
Thou annointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
(You have annointed me, O God, and for this I am so blessed.)
Surely Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
(Surely you keep your promise of prospering and giving joy to your child)
and i will dwell in the house of The Lord forever.
(I will do your ways and honor your House here on Earth,and I will live eternally with you in Heaven.)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The good, the bad,and the scary.

O God, hold me now.
O Lord, hold me now.
There's no other man who could raise the dead.
So do what You can to annoint my head.
O God, where are you now?
O Lord, say somehow.
O God, hold me now.
O God touch me now.
There's no other man who could save the day.
There's no other god who could raise the dead.

So.... life is tough. I'm not gonna lie. It's taking all of God's strength within me not to just burst into tears all the time. I never thought i would ever do so poorly in school. I never thought i would ever be so interested into vocal pedagogy. I never thought i would be so distant from some friends, and I never thought i would be as close to some of the people I am now closest to. 
I never thought I'd be hesitant about college. or moving out.or moving countries.
I've never been one to retreat...but this is tougher than I ever anticipated. No, I'm still going to Sydney in July, but I am having SO much trouble dealing with The Australian Government and their visa agencies. just to vent a little, ITS SO STINKING STUPID!!! YES I AM 17 RIGHT NOW, BUT I WILL BE 18 WHEN I GET THERE, I PROMISE. stupid visas. stupid lack of money.
yeah these things cost $550. and i might lose all of that because the wrong date was on my CoE and because they didn't recognize the fact that i will be 18 when i arrive.
SO. right now, i may have to lose that money. and then order a visa once im 18...a little less than a month before i leave, and visas take 2-3 months.
So, right now im praying SO hard that i will be even able to get into the country at this point! and that i dont lose this money.

i need a job. so bad.I need God. so bad.

God, I know that you've called me to this, so I know you will bring me through this. Make my faith even stronger and my trust unwaivering. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

This is what it means to be held

how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive.
this is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was
when everything fell, we'd be held.
-Held-Natalie Grant
This has been my new years.
Well, My Cousin, Neal Averitte died on January 1. I wasn't close to him, but he was my First cousin,and died tragically at the age of 30 years old. It's been a tough time and hard loss on the family. There is not much harder in life than dealing with the wondering of where he is eternally, and if we will meet him again in heaven...or if Christmas was the last time we will/have seen/saw him. His funeral was Wednesday, and it was certainly not easy,to say the least. The youth service that was tough,having to go back into that very chapel that held his urn and devastated family members and lead worship from the same stage, listen to a light hearted message about being a better Christian and "turning over a new leaf", when all i could think about was what happened previously in the week.
I love getting to see my family....but not on this account.
So please pray for my whole extended family, especially Neal's family.

My migraines are trying to come back. and i 1.cant financially afford that and 2.cannot mentally/physically afford that. I haven't said anything about it until this point, because i don't like to acknowledge them...but i have one now.and yesterday.and sunday afternoon. and saturday morning.... and so also, I am anemic, and that has been trying to mess with me lately, making me feel so weak and tired, and I am bruising like a banana,along with other things. I haven't up to getting myself to the gym since 2010, which is so very unlike me.(Hopefully I'll go tonight if this headache goes away.)
So please pray for that if you will. 

My grades for the 3rd six weeks are crap, but i did do alot better on the ACT in December : ) so that is good.

so I'm doing this 21 day fast with my church. I'm fasting meat...but honestly i haven't even craved idk bout all that. but  God is showing me nicely how he's like my best friend. all i need is a warmth in my life. a rejuvenation of joy.